Boys (not mine)

So this is a post that I didn't think I would have to write for, well, a really long time. Mainly because I figured my little girls are, little. My oldest is only 8 years old, and yet it has started.

There is a disease out there, a disease of the brain which makes it completely shut down for several years except for the most vital of functions, such as breathing and talking on the phone. There is no immediate cure, simply having to wait it out until it runs it's course. This viral infection, I'm afraid, is boys. Not my son, I'm talking about boys who are around the same age as the females in my family.

I've worked very hard to inoculate my girls against it, talking about how dumb most boys are and how they're not worth the time. I let them know that boys fart ALL the time and that it's worse than girl farts, and even shown by example. So far it has worked, but I see an infection brewing in my oldest.

This first episode is not her fault, it's the boy's (it always is, unless we're talking about Lukas and then it's the girl's fault). I had no idea what was happening until my wife pointed out the little culprit (who will remain un-named until I feel the need to expose him). He just happens to be the brother of one of Lukas's little friends, and makes a point of walking his brother over here every time it's time for their playdate. Its by no means necessary, because his older sister is already walking him over, so he is just along for the ride. It wasn't always like this, usually the older sister would just walk the friend over, but now without fail, the brother is always there, and every time, I see his hopeful face at the front door drop when I answer, instead of Nikki, whereas when Nikki answers, its accompanied by "Hi Nikki! How are ya? Nice day we're having? Gosh you look pretty! Wanna go to the prom with me when we're in High School?" Ya know, stuff like that.

This was as far as it went, until the other day, when I was not here, and the boy brought over his little sibling to make an unscheduled play date (which I'm Ok with btw, it's what comes next that has me concerned). He did his usual thing and asked for Nikki, and then somehow managed to get invited in for a play date of his own... with my daughter.

He's good.

Should I be worried?

Not yet I don't think, and I wasn't until yesterday.

We were going to the jump-zone and Nikki was allowed to bring a friend along (don't worry, boy was not invited). The day was fun, no broken bones, everyone happy, and no fits, and then as we were driving home, I catch 2 simple words of the conversation my child is having with her friend, amidst the sports talk radio that I am listening to. I pause for a minute and think if I heard the words correctly and in the right context, but it's there, and there is no mistaking it. The words "Boy" and "Cute" in the same sentence. I gradually turn down the radio to listen more intently, but these girls are smart, and are wary of my dadly ways, and all conversation stops. So I try and make light of it,

"What are you girls talking about?" That's me being light.

"Nothing dad, just plain old girl stuff."

Her friend, "And certainly nothing about boys."

Crap, confirmation, she's no longer a little girl anymore and is growing up, something all fathers strive to prevent from the day that his little girl takes her first breath. Maybe it's just a little bit of jealousy, but for the next few years I was hoping that I would be the only man in her life, except Lukas of course.

On the other hand I see I have now located a source of future information. Nikki needs to stay friends with this one through high school, because she is what we call the spiller of all secrets, and does so in such a complete unknowing sort of way that she still believes she has kept the secret.

Or I could just talk to my daughter about it. I feel Nikki and I have a great relationship, mainly because she is a lot like me, and that is also what scares me about this next part of her life, because I know what I was like.

Swim the fish.

So my kids have been begging me for a while to get a pet. I don't know why because all my kids are deathly afraid of anything that has a pulse and fur. For all you people who know Nikki, she is the one who started this crazy phase of screaming and panicking whenever she hears the bark of a dog, no matter how far away it is. But a few months ago she made some great strides and befriended my brother's dog August, who is also a service animal. We told her all about him and how he is special trained to look after my niece's diabetes. This seemed to be a good reason to befriend the dog, and she realized that not all dogs are evil and going to bite you.

What's crazy is a few years ago, my parents had a dog named Buster, and Nikki LOVED him. Like literally LOVED that dog. She was only 2 when he died of cancer, but she would lay on him, ride him, pull his tail, and he would basically sit there and endure her. He was a mix between a Black Lab and a Great Dane, so he was HUGE. But he also had a scooby doo face, and the most gentle disposition. After a while he would just get up and move away from her when she was annoying him.

Flash to today. Nikki is terrified, and that terrified reaction has been passed on to the other kids, unless Nikki isn't there, and then Lukas loves dogs, especially Huskies (I don't know where he got that one from). Mollie still acts like she's scared, but I think she's just playing the part of the scared little girl. She runs and grabs her blanket before running away from the dog, so that she has her comfort item while she snuggles with daddy.

Anyway, back to our pet. Yes, we got one, and it's probably the easiest pet you can get (at least that is what Pet Smart says, and yes, I asked). When we went there, Lukas was looking at Turtles, and Snakes (you're welcome Kara), Guinea pigs, but there weren't any dogs there. He also said he didn't want a cat (which I wasn't going to get him any of the above, we were getting a fish, and that's it). But we got to the pet store and looked over all the stuff, and finally got a salesperson to help us out. She seemed to be very passionate about fish, and especially Betta's because she told us everything we need to know and more... in one breath. Which I kind of like. If you can describe all their wants and needs in one breath, then that's a good pet.

The fish itself was around $5, the tank, about $8, food, $5, gravel $3, leafy thing for it to sleep on $3, little log thing that Lukas insisted we buy, $4.  Not buying a dog. Priceless. As we were checking out, I had no idea that there was a guarantee on the fish. Seriously, if your fish kicks the bucket within 14 days of bringing it home, then you just bring that sucker back and they will get you a new one, AND you get to keep the dead fish! Sounds good. The checkout lady said that was in the event that we wanted to have a funeral or something.  So, don't flush those fish right away.

So we got in the car, and there's London and Lukas in the back seat, and Lukas is holding the fish. He didn't want to name it until we got out of the pet store, and as soon as we got outside, the naming began.

Lukas- "Hmmm, how about Fishy?"

Me-"That's kind of a weird name for a fish."

"yeah, how about Fisher?"

yes let's name him after the murderer of fish shall we.

"Bob? no not Bob, I know how about Swim?"

"Eh, alright, you sure?"

"Yes, Swim is a great name. Dad, what do we do when he dies?"

crap, just barely got his fish and he's already thinking up a contingency plan. I thought I had to do that. I mean, I've watched Full House, I know what you do with a dead fish. That's what that 14 day policy is for right?

"Well, everything dies eventually, what will we do?"

"Get another fish."

Good plan.

"Dad, what will happen when his body and his spirit separate?"

This is getting pretty deep, well, go for the truth.

"That would mean he's dead."

"Ok, does he have a brain?"

and it went on and on.  So we finally make it back home, and the lady at the fish store, in her one breath soliloquy on "How to care for a Betta?" mentioned that all you need to use is Spring water for them. Like bottled water. Or water with no chlorine. They had this lovely bottle at the pet shop titled "Betta Water" that was about a liter, and cost somewhere around $8. Basically just arrowhead with a  picture of a fish on it. Seriously, I should do this if pet people will buy this crap.

We set up the tank, put in the gravel, the log, the plant, and now all we need is water. Water..... hmmm, where can we get water. I usually throw out several half dunken water bottles every day, and about ten ever time I clean out the cars. So I task Lukas with finding the above mentioned water bottles. Within 30 seconds he's located the fist, then I find the second, then a big find, Kara's water bottle from he gym last night. This filled up the tank about 1 inch above the gravel line. WE NEED WATER! We're off looking again, and Lukas points to the squirt bottle we use to spray down the kids hair. It's got about a liter in it. Close enough. (this whole time, that 14 day policy is running through my mind). By now we have the fish tank half full of water. In goes the fish. I now have a happy little boy, with a fish named swim, and I still don't have a dog. Life is good.

We need new phones

You know that moment, when you know you need to buy something, but you really don't want to, either because you really like the old one, or the new one is just too darn expensive, or both? Yeah that's happening right now. It's happened before with several other things, like this backpack I had on my mission. It was awesome, had lots of patches on it that made me look like a world traveller, lots of pockets, and it was held together by duct tape. No really it was. The duct tape wasn't the first solution, it was actually fix #3, and it lasted the longest. The strap on it started to fray and so a member in the ward I was serving in volunteered to fix it, by sewing it. She did a great job, and it looked nice, and it worked... for about a month. Then I tried glue, and that... well let's just not talk about that one. Finally I ended up with the duct tape and made it work, for over 8 years. Duct tape is awesome, you should buy it, and duct tape should pay me for endorsing them. I also used it as a bandage one time in high school. And it worked.

Well, my phone, and Kara's, are by no means as reliable as that old back pack. If you could compare phones to shoes, ours would be the no-name brand shoes that you find on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart, that no one likes, but you buy because it was such a good deal, even if they are a size too large.
You see, we made the big jump to "smart phones" a few years ago, and Kara still has her same phone, and it was a basic model at that. We both had the same phone but mine died a little earlier than hers, like year earlier. It started to only allow me to make emergency phone calls. After I paid the bill, the problem still persisted, and after having the 911 dispatcher patch us through to Dominoes to order pizza a few times, I figured it was time to get a new phone. So last father's day Kara and the kids bought me a Nokia Lumia Windows phone. Everything was great about this phone, that is until I updated the software. The "Upgrade" was supposedly to a more efficient, higher functioning operating system that was very intuitive, and as advertised "Like having your own personal assistant." Well, my personal assistant apparently falls asleep, can't take a memo, forgets all my contacts, and hacks into my Facebook all the time. She's fired.

I like to run. Ok, let me re-phrase that, I like the feeling I get after I run, and sometimes during running when I am in shape. The past few months I can't even seem to get out of bed early enough except for the occasional bi-monthly jaunt. The reason. My phone (well that's my excuse to my running buddy, sorry Schuyler). Well that and London. You see, I set my alarm for some stupid time in the morning that is usually too early for anyone to actually function, let alone want to do anything at a fast pace. This apparently is also true for my phone. I set an alarm. One simple alarm. In computer terms I think it's 10 lines of code. My phone decides it is too hard to do it, freezes up, and then I wake up when my wife's phone goes off, which is too late to go running ( to be perfectly honest, I like this a little bit too much, but seeing as how my belly button is now visible as a circular disk when I wear t-shirts, it's time to fix it).

Kara's phone on the other hand, works... kind of. A few months ago, all normal functioning sounds have been replaced by little 8 bit original nintendo sounds, strike that, Atari. It sounds like a dial-up modem. It has begun the whole emergency calls only thing, and here's a good one, randomly calling people. So if Kara decides to reach out and contact you in the next little while, and all you hear are the keys in your purse, just remember, she still loves you, but did not mean to call you. Sorry everyone with a name that starts with A. Also butt dials have reached an all time high, due to the fact that her phone will randomly unlock, and dial either the most recent, or the one at the top of the contacts list. Luckily, my name is Andrew with a capitol A. Made her change it from hot buns a little while ago, maybe it's time we switched back.

So tonight we just might be heading over to the Wal-Mart to pick out some other awesome low quality phones to which we will pay way too much money that is last years model. Maybe we'll buy an Android with a higher operating system than Android 1.o Sugar Cube.